If you are ever asked to confirm my identity, but my iPhone is not with my body, tell them it is an impostor. Or I was mugged.

Once last semester, I went to a class without my phone. I was worried about it the entire time. Also, I couldn’t function. Professor: “Next week, bring a ______ and write a ________.” My stomach literally hit the floor when I realized I could not add it to iCal.

Commercials speak in truths. If you don’t have an iPhone, you don’t have an iPhone. And you might be more of a human as a result.

I, however, am not a human anymore. The situation was made worse when I got a MacBook Pro in November. Literally, my entire life syncs with the almighty cloud. Thanks, Internet.

There is a problem, though. Dresses don’t have pockets. Pockets hold iPhones, and I wear dresses. When I shop for dresses, I’m attracted to the garment as a whole. Then I grope the seams looking for somewhere to stash my phone. I’m usually disappointed. I usually also get the dress anyway.

Then last year I bought this purse belt from Modcloth. Don’t call it a fanny pack. It’s too cute to be a fanny pack!Unfortunately, the pouch isn’t big enough for an iPhone. It’s really great for holding chapstick and laundry money, though.

My next thought was hiding my phone under my dress. That’s when I searched “cell phone garter.” I’m warning you. There are phone fetishes (phetishes?). The garters aren’t even pretty. They just show models wearing nothing besides the phone garter. That’s why I recommend trying Etsy for just about everything. My favorite is the pictured white rabbit fur garter. Sure, it’s ostentatious, but it’s also functional. But really, this won’t work under a dress, either. Unless we mean muumuu. It would totally work under a muumuu.

Maybe I just need to wander around holding my phone for a few years. Someone will give me an alternative soon enough.